I think one of the reasons I buy so many magazines (besides, of course, the information inside and the incredible smell of the cologne ads) is because I'm searching for another life rather than the one I'm living. I read The New Yorker because of I picture myself as part of New York literary scene, writing fiction from deep inside the valleys and alleys of the skyscraper jungle. I read Men's Journal and Men's Health because I picture myself all ripped and with 6 pack abs, a beautiful girlfriend who laughs at my jokes and drinks Cognac, and a good stock portfolio, which helps to pay for those trips to climb K2.I read Playboy for...well, none of your business, that's personal.
And then there's GQ. Or Gentleman's Quarterly, but does anyone even think of that when they say the letters "GQ?"
Let's start with the cover:
"The Perfect Suit For Your Shape." I'm 5'5 1/2." And don't tell me "shop in the children's department."
"Can Vince Carter Save The NBA?" I don't know who he is, but I bet he can. I just bet he can.
"20 Things You Should Tell Her Before You Move In." #1: "Hon, I'm a woman."
"We're Thankful For Thandie Newton." The MI: 2 star? Oh, so am I, so am I. But again, that's personal.
"3 Ways To Lower Your Handicap." I don't play golf, but I assume #3 is "cheat."
And then there are the advertisements:
Inside flap: ad for Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren. Various pictures of brooding guys and gals modeling clothes near the ocean. It's The Perfect Storm if it starred the cast of Felicity.
Pages 4-5: Oh, so THAT'S Vince Carter! Still don't know him. But he's sitting in a limo watching ESPN's Sportscenter. Probably going off to save the NBA or something.
Pages 6-7: Nautica guy, guy floating on his back in pool. He's either relaxing in his Nautica shorts, or he's just been knocked over the head and Columbo will be on the case shortly.
Page 13: Hey, it's the guy from the earlier Polo ad! He's about to go diving. He's looking at the camera like "Don't look at me. I have some serious diving to do, man."
Page 23: Man and woman in shower, hands all over each other, water-proof Concord watch on his wrist figures prominently in the action. Of course, I assume they're in a shower because they are wet. They could be getting washed down after being exposed to radiation at Chernobyl for all I know.
Page 47: 2 guys and a girl (what, no pizza place?), on a beach, pulling down their pants to expose their Jockey underwear. The type of people you would want to kill if you actually saw them on the beach. And the tag line: "Let 'em know you're Jockey boxers." Huh? I'M Jockey boxers? Shouldn't the word "you wear" be in there somewhere?
Page 56: Just when I realized "wow, there certainly are a number of watch ads in this issue" comes a handy watch guide! Shrewd, very shrewd. I think I'll take the Franck Muller Cintree Curvex for $15,400.*
Page 60: A book that turns into a pair of pants! Really! Japanese designer Hiroaki Ohya has created a pair of pants that fold into a book shape (clever: "The Wizard Of Jeans"). I can actually see a use for this: maybe if we're caught in the rain or get dirty and need a quick change of clothes. Of course, I can do without the "we, as the next generation, must search beyond, to the clothing that touches our inner feelings" quote. I'll stick with "Cotton: The Fabric Of Our Lives."
Page 63: 7 golfers lost in the woods, wearing Izod clothing.
Pages 64-65: 3 Izod people trying out for Baywatch.
Pages 66-67: More Izod people lost, this time in a wheat field. Probably looking for Sandy Duncan.**
Pages 68-69: Shirts For Men by Van Heusen, Day. Though there are two women in the ad.
Pages 70-71: Shirts For Men by Van Heusen, Night. AKA "The Regis Philbin Collection," AKA "Who Wants To Look Like They Just Jumped On A Bandwagon?" Those same two women are in this ad too. You can tell they're women because they're wearing skirts. Duh.
Page 84: Article about men not wearing underwear, written by a woman. Armani and Versace are designing clothes that will have a silk lining so you can "go commando." Um, no thanks. But the writer (a woman) gets points for reminding guys who do it to make sure they raise and lower their zipper very slowly.
Page 87: Watch ad #435.
Page 102: Man waiting for date looks passionate about a container of Haagen-Dazs. I sense a sequel to American Pie.
Page 141: Levi's ad. "Clothing worn by the cast of Roswell on The WB." Yes, even aliens love jeans.
Page 151: Ad for Breath Savers Cool Blasts. The ad says they are "wickedly intense." I think that just about kills all the hip phrases and slogans in all other ads from now on.
Page 169: Watch ad.
Page 171: Watch ad.
Page 175: Watch ad.
Page 244: An article called "Racer's Edge." Alas, it's really about racing CLOTHES, explaining the lack of, um, good pics of sports cars.
This issue also has info about it's annual "Man Of The Year" survey. I'm not even listed as one of the nominees. But I filled out the survey when I saw the words "Win A Free Trip And A $10,000 Wardrobe!" Hey, that's all I need to guarantee my selection in next year's contest.
Vince Carter? He's up for it this year. He's a basketball player, right? I bet he owns a nice watch.
---------- * If you can spend $15,400 on a watch, then obviously you are so rich you have a ton of time on your hands and don't need a watch anyway.
** Wheat Thins ads from the 80s. I've always had a huge crush on Sandy Duncan. But that's another column.
Back to Bob Sassone Online