Have you ever watched a movie or listened to an album or read a book that was incredibly well praised? A classic everyone seems to love? A near-perfect piece of art that receives four stars from every reviewer, publication, and fan?

And then you see that movie or listen to that album or read that book and you feel...zilch. Zero. Nada.

That happened this week after I watched Hitchcock's Rear Window on AMC (part of their A.H. marathon all weekend).

How bad was it? I found myself more engrossed in the FOX Family Channel comedy Time Share, with Timothy Dalton (call your agent) and Natassia Kinkski. Despite the cookie-cutter plot, the oh my God they're all dancing to a rock and roll oldie sequence, and the by the numbers ending (will they get together? Please tell me they do!), it was more enjoyable than watching Stewart look out the window at his neighbors, ol' Hitch moving his camera back and forth to show the individual dramas unfolding, blah, blah, blah. Sure, I'll give him the innovation and intriguing premise two thumbs up, but execution was a snore. I kept switching back to during commercials, and every time Stewart was either looking out the window at a dog, getting a massage, or asleep in his wheelchair. Bring on Norman Bates and Cary Grant and those birds!

I opened my mail today, and inside my credit card bill was an ad for a talking alarm clock. "Now just $9.95!" What price was this thing before? Did it even really have a price before? It bills itself as "a unique gift for friends or family!" Yes, if you hate your friends and never want to talk to your family again. Oh, it has all the normal functions you'd expect in a clock: it tells you the time, has a snooze button, hourly chime. But it also comes with a voice! It actually tells you the time, literally. But, oh, yes, wait, there's more! It doesn't just say "6AM," it says things like "cockadoodle-doo!" and "cuckoo!" Yes, give me that as a gift and it will last 2 nights, and then it's time for the old baseball bat. But it would make a great companion piece to that wall clock they used to advertise, the one that told time with different bird sounds.

If we need a clock that talks to us, it better have something important to say. Something that will force us to wake up in the morning. "Good morning. Don't forget, that report on the Johnson merger is going to due at 11AM today. If you don't have it ready, your boss is going to fire your sorry ass and you won't be able to buy that new DVD player you've had your eye on. Wake up!!"

While we're on the topic of ads, can someone please tell me what the hell is going on in the ad on the back of this week's TV Guide (the one with Sex and the City on the cover)? It's an ad for Kraft Fat-Free Dressing, and shows two guys sitting next to each other on an airplane. The guy on the right is reading a newspaper. The guy on the left is either a.) asleep, or b.) moaning from something he is doing with the hand that is strategically placed out of the picture, if you catch my meaning. The caption says "Around here, the dressing is Kraft Free." Huh? What is going on here? I usually consider myself rather astute at deciphering ads, but this one has me baffled. The odd look on the guy, the placement of his hand, the placement of the other Kraft bottles, and that caption. E-mail me with your answer.

Oddly enough, salad for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll go get some dressing...