Thursday, July 29, 2004GO BALLOONS, GO BALLOONS, GO BALLOONS!
What the hell is happening at CNN? They actually have an open mike so you could hear either the convention director or whoever yelling at people to drop more balloons and confetti. "Where are the balloons? Go balloons, go balloons, go balloons! Where are balloons, damnit?!? What the f**k? Release all balloons! Jesus!"
Seriously CNN, how hard is it to have someone listening to the actual broadcast and get on the phone and say "guys, the mike is open?" What a massive cluster-you-know-what.
posted @ 11:06 pm
HOPE, HELP...WHATEVER
When did the mantra of the DNC change from "Hope Is On The Way" to "Help Is On The Way?" Somewhere between Edwards' speech and Kerry's, I guess.
posted @ 10:46 pm
AND NOW, ONE OF THE REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUES
You know what I hate about MSNBC? The font they use.
posted @ 3:37 pm
LESS WALLY, MORE EDDIE HASKELL
Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly: you ever wonder what they were like as kids, and just where along the line everything just went to hell?
posted @ 2:11 pm
HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY ASKED AMERICA FOR ITS OPINION?
CNN: "America's Most Trusted News Source"
MSNBC: "America's Watching"
FOX News: "America's Newsroom"posted @ 10:46 am
CUTTING THROUGH THE BS AND TALKING HEADS
Over at Lost Remote, a partial transcript of Jon Stewart's talk with Ted Koppel. Stewart is a really refreshing voice at the convention, and not just for his news satire.
It reminds me of something that Stewart said a year or so ago. Someone had said to him that many young people, people age 18 to 30, were getting their news from The Daily Show instead of the mainstream networks. This struck Stewart as wrong (and horrifying), for one simple reason: you have to know the news, you have to know the players, you have to know what's going on in the world to get the satire of The Daily Show. You have to know the news to watch this non-news show. I couldn't agree more.
posted @ 10:16 am
THINGS THAT MAKE ME VERY HAPPY
Two great things happened on Letterman tonight.
One, Bob Newhart was a guest. He's truly one of my favorite people in the world.
And two, Letterman called Jay Leno a "pinhead." Tee-hee.
posted @ 12:20 am
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT IS SENATOR FONZARELLI
Edwards makes his entrance using the "thumbs up" sign (and often the two-handed "super thumbs up" sign). That's never a good look.
posted @ 10:21 pm
I DOUBT ANYONE IS USING A TYPEWRITER AT THE CONVENTION
Big discussion over at Metafilter about my defense (below, before all the DNC stuff) of typewriter/writing longhand.
posted @ 9:58 pm
SHUFFLE UP AND DEAL
Hey, maybe instead of this whole "election" and "voting" thing, how about just having Kerry and Bush battle on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown?
Kerry can probably bluff well because of his unemotional face. Then again, it is called "Texas Hold 'Em," so Bush has the edge there. Then again, Bush probably can't read the cards.
It's a toss-up, really.
posted @ 9:22 pm
HOW CELLPHONES HAVE CHANGED THE WORLD
You need them so you can coordinate your time on camera, in back of the anchors and reporters, as you wave to your friends and family at home.
Everybody wants their 1.5 seconds of fame.
posted @ 9:05 pm
WE INTERRUPT THIS CONVENTION FOR OLSEN NEWS...PART 2
This has got to be one of the oddest headlines I've seen this year.
posted @ 7:57 pm
UNTIL KUCINICH'S SPEECH TONIGHT, THAT IS
Weirdest moment of the convention so far: Jackie Mason's stand-up routine, underneath a huge "Jackie Mason on MSNBC" video logo. In a studio in front of an audience. A stone-faced audience.
Which isn't too surprising, considering the jokes he was telling make Dick Cheney sound like Jim Carrey.
posted @ 6:10 pm
BROUGHT TO YOU BY EXEDRIN
The use of those Time-Life operator headphone mics has been hit or miss, but that's not really a bad thing when the people using them are James Carville and Bob Novak.
posted @ 4:36 pm
MSNBC, P.I.
Damn, I just now realized that Tom Selleck is the new voice of MSNBC! Tom, if you have time to do that, then you must have time to get that long-awaited Magnum movie going.
posted @ 3:35 pm
WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!
Sorry for the second Seinfeld reference, but what else would you call it when Omarosa is on the floor of the Democratic National Convention? With an entourage.
posted @ 3:01 pm
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE WAS SHOPPING FOR
Far away from the convention, Michael Jackson is walking around a Houston shopping mall, surrounded by fans.
He took some food samples from a vendor giving them away free, some beige tube shaped food object, and for a second - just a second, mind you - I thought his nose had fallen off.
posted @ 2:29 pm
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
SERENITY NOW!!
Just caught a glimpse of Jerry Stiller in the crowd, during Teresa Heinz Ketchup's speech.
posted @ 10:42 pm
REASON # 75 WHY BILL O'REILLY IS AN A*****E
He told Jerry Brown that he has never attacked anyone personally on his show. Wow, does he even watch his own show?
posted @ 8:19 pm
REASON # 74 WHY BILL O'REILLY IS AN A*****E
He refers to himself in the third person. "Coming up, the shootout of the year, O'Reilly vs. Moore!"
posted @ 8:17 pm
REASON # 73 WHY BILL O'REILLY IS AN A*****E
Telling viewers that if they want to see the convention speeches, they can turn to another station, and if they want "analysis" (translation: the FOX spin on things) they should watch The O'Reilly Factor.
Yeah, that's what we need. Instead of actual coverage of the convention speeches, we need more "analysis," and "opinion" and talking heads.
posted @ 8:13 pm
I SWEAR, SWEAR, SWEAR THIS IS TRUE
Crossfire's Paul Begala just said that the CNN Campaign Bus was parked next to The U.S.S. Constipation. Wow.
posted @ 4:32 pm
THIS REPORT WAS WICKED RIDICULOUS
On the local NBC station here in Boston, a light story about all of the Boston words that visitors should know. The reporter says that if you're looking for the subway, you should ask for the "T" and not the subway, because you'll probably get directions to the sub shop.
As someone who has lived here forever, let me tell all you visitors that that's just insane. Ask someone where the subway is and we will NOT give you directions to a sub shop.
Now, if you're thirsty and ask someone where the "pop" is, we might just direct you to someone's dad...
posted @ 4:24 pm
OK, NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR
Security officials have thrown Robert Smigel and Triumph The Insult Comic Dog out of the convention.
posted @ 4:02 pm
ORDER NOW AND GET THIS FREE JUICER!
Who is this British guy, Richard Quest (?), on CNN, reporting live from Florida? He's the combination of that British guy who sells cookware on late night infomercials, Matt Lesko (the guy who dresses like the Riddler and screams at you about applying for government money), and The Galloping Gourmet.
posted @ 2:57 pm
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH THREE 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNELS
I think I'm already all conventioned out. The news is all starting to blur together. MSNBC just had one of their quick summaries of all the news of the day, and if I heard right, I think Michael Jackson has imprisoned some delegates on the floor of the DNC. Either that or Theresa Heinz Ketchup told Jason Giambi to shove it. Not sure.
posted @ 1:47 pm
CREEPIEST ADVERTISING SLOGAN
This commercial just aired: "The Democratic National Convention: Brought To You By YOUR Credit Card Company." You could probably take that two ways.
posted @ 12:49 pm
THAT'S RUSSELL SIMMONS, NOT RICHARD
He was just interviewed by Wolf Blitzer. Somebody has to start using this Johnnie Cochrane-ish line in some context: "You cannot flip-flop, on the hip-hop!"
posted @ 12:46 pm
Monday, July 26, 2004
ARE YOU SURE HE CAN'T RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN?
I'd say that it's going to be difficult for Kerry to top Clinton's speech, but that must be the reason they scheduled it so early in the convention.
posted @ 11:33 pm
WE INTERRUPT THIS CONVENTION COVERAGE FOR A SPECIAL REPORT...
I'm not sure what this has to do with politics, but I just wanted to let you know that Mary-Kate Olsen has left rehab. The long national nightmare is over.
posted @ 11:25 pm
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY "HARDBALL"
On NBC, just before an exclusive interview with Bill Clinton, a commercial for Viagra. 'Nuff said.
posted @ 10:23 pm
THEY WERE TIED UP IN HIS BASEMENT
Dennis Kucinich has released his delegates.
posted @ 9:56 pm
MO ROCCA'S AGENT, PLEASE CALL ME
First he's on The Daily Show, then CNN's American Morning, then he's on VH-1. He's also on The Today Show, NPR, and Bravo's Things I Hate About You. Now he's a correspondent for Larry King Live?
posted @ 9:38 pm
BUT IT'S NICE TO SEE WILLIAM BENNETT AWAY FROM THE SLOTS
Former President Jimmy Carter is speaking right now, but you won't see that on FOX. Instead, Bennett is telling everyone that the Democrats are "on downers."
posted @ 9:13 pm
JERRY, THE PHRASE "DEMOCRATIC CHAIR" DOESN'T REFER TO ONE THAT CAN BE THROWN AT SOMEBODY
Jerry Springer is on the floor of the DNC, speaking up for
alien nuns who sleep with their unclesthe little people.posted @ 5:22 pm
SORRY PAULA ZAHN, I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING THAT BEGAN WITH A "Z"
On MSNBC: It's "Brokaw in Boston!" Some other suggestions:
"Matthews in Massachusetts"
"Hannity in Harvard Yard"
"Fortin at the Fleet"
"Blizter in Beantown"
"Dan Rather in...um...where am I?"
posted @ 4:31 pm
I THINK MILES O'BRIEN JUST LIKES TO SAY THE WORD "GOOGLE"
CNN seems to think that the possibility of Google being down (no problem for me all day though) is just as important as anything that might be happening in Boston. "This Just In!" "Breaking News!" "Google is by far the most popular search engine," Miles O'Brien says. I don't doubt it, but what exactly is that based on? Number of users? Site traffic? Number of pages Google has in it's cache? How fun it is to say "Google?" Tee-hee.
posted @ 3:52 pm
BLOGGING FROM THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION ALL THIS WEEK. AND WHEN I SAY "FROM THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION," I MEAN 40 MILES AWAY ON MY COUCH
There are bloggers who have fancy dancy "press credentials" and are blogging from the floor of the Democratic National Convention, but I think I can report on this DNC from a rather unique viewpoint: in front of my television. Where the real action is.
I'm not going to promise I'll be "fair and balanced" or that I'll cover everything, everywhere, or in real time. Hey, I'm just a guy on a couch.
posted @ 2:58 pm
Saturday, July 24, 2004
I ALSO LIKE BLACK AND WHITE MOVIES, COOKING FOOD IN A OVEN INSTEAD OF A MICROWAVE, AND CRAFTING RANSOM NOTES OUT OF LETTERS FROM THE NEWSPAPER
No, that's not the last line of my personal ad. That would be "I like walking along the beach holding hands and crying over romance novels and cute kittens."
I'm a typewriter guy. Or, to be more accurate, I'm a pen and paper guy who loves typewriters and plans on buying a bunch of them when I have enough money to do so. Not that they cost a lot of money. On the contrary, they are very affordable. I just don't have the extra money right now. [Insert heavy sigh here]
Almost everything that I write (except these blog entries and e-mails) is first written out longhand. The novel is being written longhand, on big yellow legal pads, inside a padded folder, at my desk or resting against my knee while sitting on the couch. Then I transfer everything over to the computer for printing out. I can't write anything incredibly long on a computer. My first drafts are banged out, sloppy. I make a ton of corrections and notes in the margins. I need that notebook and pen. As for the typewriter, there's something really satisfying about seeing what you are writing in print, immediately, so you can see what it looks like in that format (something the "page view" on a computer screen can't quite give you). For permanent corrections, well, that's why God (or Monkee Michael Nesmith's mom) made Wite-Out.
I think writers who use typewriters are close in spirit to writers who write everything longhand. Although both typewriters and computers both involve fingers on a keyboard, there's a sharp difference. I could go into a long explanation as to what I mean, but Ian Frazier, Bill Meissner, and Harlan Ellison say everything for me.
I'm talking about writing. The creation of words.
"Oh Bob, you're such a luddite!" Hardly. I spend over 5 hours a day on the computer, sending and receiving e-mails, surfing around, reading other sites. I've had a web site since 1996 (!) and update it almost every single day in some way. I'm a Mac guy from way back, obsessed with the Mac SE my best friend got around 1986 (we published a music magazine with it in 1990), and I own an iMac that I purchased in 1998. I read Wired, I know HTML, I have Triumph of the Nerds on tape and I think the iPod is one of the coolest damn things I've ever seen. It's just that although I work with a computer a lot, and most of my writing these days is for online publications, I prefer to compose that writing in a less high-tech way. Hey, pen and paper worked for Ben Franklin and that Shakespeare guy, and typewriters worked for Hemingway and Chandler and Dorothy Parker and Isaac Asimov (and many others), so there must be something to it. Why do people think that doing something faster automatically makes it better?
This was all brought on by something someone said to me about typewriters being "useless" and "who cares about those?" He actually said this with a laugh, a James Bond villain sort of laugh, as if I was talking about 8-track tapes (you can't use this as an example where I'm wrong because 8 tracks were never better than albums or cassettes and were replaced by more useful technology). And it's something I couldn't argue with. Not because I didn't have an argument, but because anyone who has that viewpoint will never get what you are trying to say, even if you use flawless logic. It's like trying to explain to someone why Macs are better when all that person has known is that ugly box with Windows.
But you are spared a big rant too. Just read the above links and you'll see where I'm coming from.
posted @ 2:01 pm
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
COMING THIS CHRISTMAS: FLEX PLEXICO, THE ACTION FIGURE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED)!
Towards the end of this story, there's a quote from a Pentagon spokesman, Navy Lt. Cmdr. Flex Plexico. Come on, is that the guy's real name? That's great! I demand he get a TV series based on his exploits, or at least a line of toys.
posted @ 3:17 pm
AND THE POINT OF EATING IS TO SATISFY YOUR HUNGER
A new survey about why Europeans drink.
posted @ 2:16 pm
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION, A LITTLE MORE STUFFING YOUR FACE
Edy's is coming out with two Elvis Presley-oriented ice creams. I make some suggestions for other flavors.
posted @ 4:23 pm
IT'S NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING, BUT...
So Martha gets 5 months in jail and 5 months house-arrest. It could have been a lot worse, of course. Every pundit said she'd get 16 months.
She's making the rounds of the talk shows, chatting with Barbara Walters and Larry King. Did you see her on King? Damn. While she's sorry for what has happened, she's still defiant and ready to fight with her appeal. At one point, when King asked her why she doesn't just serve the five months and get it over with, saying that most people only serve 80% so it would only be around four months, I thought she was going to devour him whole. "Are you an expert?" she said to him, with daggers in her eyes. "Are you sure or are you guessing?" Classic Martha.
But you know what? She's going to be fine. The pundits and "experts" and talking heads on the news networks that go on and on about "can she come back?" and "what will happen now that she's a convicted felon?" are completely out of touch. She's going to be completely fine. She'll have a book (which she even mentioned on King), she'll be back with her company, she'll have money, she'll have her homes, her TV show will be back in some form, she'll continue to do what she does, making more money than these pundits can even dream about. She'll be back, because the people who don't like her don't matter. They never have. The people who love her and watch her and buy her products? They'll stay with her no matter what, especially since most people - even the ones who don't like her - think that this case was minor, especially when compared with all the Enrons of the world. Personally, I hope she just goes into jail and serves the four months. For purely selfish reasons. One, I'll have the info I need for my novel to be complete, and two, if she goes in now she'll be out by the holidays. I mean, Thanksgiving and Christmas with Martha in jail? That's un-American!
Oh, and when friends send her cakes with files in them? She's going to be criticizing and correcting those recipes. You just know it.
posted @ 3:18 pm
Monday, July 12, 2004
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE APPRENTICE, I SWEAR
The annual Top 10 survey, which I participated in, is up at TV Week. For the record, my complete list is here.
posted @ 3:04 pm
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
AS THE PHILOSOPHER MCENROE ONCE SAID, "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!"
So everyone in blogland is taking Terry's quiz. It's a fun little experiment, but Jesus, he picks The Honeymooners over The Dick Van Dyke Show?
For the record, my score was around 55%. A few of the questions I didn't answer (I don't know anything about, even on an "instant judgement" level, Shostakovich or Prokofiev), and more than a few I didn't agree with at all: besides The Honeymooners over The Dick Van Dyke Show I mentioned above (side note, how can "Our Girl In Chicago" pass on this question because it's "before her time", when she answered questions about Double Indemnity, Out of the Past, North By Northwest, Vertigo, and the old New Yorker?), Terry picks The Searchers over Rio Bravo, The Sopranos over The Simpsons, Daffy Duck over Bugs Bunny, and cats over dogs? How is that possible? But he redeems himself when he picks Macs over PCs, Grosse Pointe Blank over High Fidelity, the Fifties over the Twenties, fall over spring, and red wine over white.
As for Letterman or Leno, I think that's the most important question on the list, because it instantly tells more about a person than anything else you could ever ask them. When someone says they prefer Leno, I cry a little inside and make a mental note to myself that when I talk to this person again in the future, they actually choose Leno over Letterman. Then I treat that person accordingly.
posted @ 3:54 pm
Thursday, July 1, 2004
TODAY'S BIZARRE FACT
Teller, the smaller half of Penn and Teller, is 5 feet 10?!?
posted @ 12:32 pm
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