WARNING: Much geekiness follows.

Like all people who work from home, I watch way too much television. Which is probably why I currently find myself wide awake at 1am, watching Martha Stewart make a lemon bundt cake.

This has never really been a problem for me, because much of my writing actually involves television (you try explaining that to friends and family). Some how, somewhere along the line, I actually found a way to combine my life-long love of the tube (my first word when I was a kid wasn't "mom" or "dad," it was "Batman") with a paying career. Nice gig if you can get it.

Which brings us to the end of a piece of modern day pop culture: The X-Files. The amazingly lame, insipid, I want to kick in my television end of The X-Files.

Has a show ever derailed like this in its final couple of seasons? Sure, Seinfeld had an equally bad (and oddly similar court trial storyline) finale back in '98, but at least it went out with several good episodes in it's waning months. This show just hung around like year-old prime rib. I don't even know where to begin.

Well, actually, I do: it all started with Duchovny leaving. That should have been the signal right there: Chris Carter, hang it up. End the show. Let's defeat the aliens. But because there was a network involved, he couldn't. Robert Patrick and Annabeth Gish come on board. Not bad choices, really, but oh, what did the writers give them? Nothing to work with at all. And then the writers seemed to forget the entire alien storyline, and introduced a whole new plot, and a magic baby, and had irritating monster-of-the-week episodes in the middle of it all. You'd think that with the alien invasion in full swing, Mulder in hiding, and a baby that could levitate pieces of a spaceship, you'd think that Scully and her co-horts wouldn't have time to get on a plane and investigate bat people. But they did. Illogical and annoying.

Was it great to see Duchovny again for the finale? God yes. In two minutes he showed us more humor and personality than anyone else showed since he left the show. The pairing of he and Gillian Anderson, always the main reason why this show clicked since its debut, showed that spark again. In retrospect, it's unfortunate he left, but even more unfortunate that they decided to continue. It's like having Jack Klugman exit The Odd Couple, leaving Tony Randall to stay in the apartment alone. The reasoning? "Hey, Klugman was important, but Randall is too! We can have him be in the show once in a while, but let's bring in new characters to live in the apartment, or maybe have the show revolve around Murray and Myrna!" Which is pretty much how The X-Files played out the past two years: a talented actress like Anderson (who probably didn't even want to continue but she had a contract), pushed to recurring status in many episodes, starring in others, while the new duo took over the cases. And let's rip the testicles off Skinner some more by making him indecisive and wishy-washy, even AFTER he saw Mulder abducted by a flying saucer. Yeah, he shot Krycek in the head and helped Mulder escape (in one of the most laughable military base breakouts ever filmed - who was in charge of this defense, the Bad News Bears?), but lately the writers have had him moping around and worried what his bosses might think.

Which brings us to another question (#2 of approximately 140): What the hell happened to Skinner when he walked into Kersh's office with the alien baddie? Was he killed? Turned into an alien? Cash out his vacation time? Was Kersh dead? Why the hell would Skinner even walk into the office knowing that other guy was an alien? In fact, why didn't Skinner and Doggett and Reyes just quit and go on the run with the Gibson kid like Mulder and Scully did? Aren't their lives in danger too? And didn't they tell M + S that they'd take care of the kid? And the X-Files are closed anyway. Why even have the damn trial if it was fixed from the get-go? Just to drag out old characters and explain the plot? And was dumping the baby at the farm a real decision by the writers to protect him, or did they just think, "damn, this baby is really bringing things down, like Mad About You, how do we get rid of him?" Are M + S on the run now, forced to live their lives on the run like The Fugitive, hiding in hotel rooms across the country, wearing disguises and eating Chinese takeout and coffee at roadside diners while trying to figure out how to battle the aliens? Maybe the ghosts of Krycek and Byers and Frohike and Langley can show them around the country, sort of an otherworldly AAA/Travelocity service. I mean, the show ended like a season-ender, not a series-ender, and we expect all these things to be answered in a few months, not a few years in a movie.

When they release Seasons 8 and 9 on DVD (and they will), it should come with a supply of Advil, and a giant sticker with this warning:

DISCLAIMER: WOW. WE APOLOGIZE. WE REALLY LOST IT THESE PAST TWO SEASONS. WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING? SUPER-SOLDIERS? KILLING OFF THE LONE GUNMEN? AND THAT WHOLE THING WITH XENA AND THE WATER? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW EITHER. REST ASSURED THAT THERE ARE SOME REALLY GOOD EPISODES EARLIER IN THIS SERIES. TRY THE DISCS OF THE FIRST SIX SEASONS. WE'RE REALLY PROUD OF THOSE. DON'T FORGET TO WATCH OUR NEXT MOVIE WHEN IT COMES OUT. WE'LL HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, AND WE'LL PUT AN END TO THIS WHOLE ALIEN CONSPIRACY STORYLINE. NO, LIKE, SERIOUSLY.

There's a certain twisted arrogance at work here. Instead of a satisfying climax (a battle between the good guys and the aliens/government), we get yet another open-ended, ambiguous "resolution." Carter seems to think that moodiness and more questions = intelligence. But it's painfully misguided and overused. And the FOX ads continued to lie to us. Nothing was really "answered," unless you count yet another long-winded explanation of the alien invasion (jeez, is that what we get for the finale, a CLIP SHOW, of all things?). The episode was called "The Truth," but I have to believe that Carter and co. meant it in an ironic, nudge-nudge, wink-wink sort of way. Either that or they are kicking us in the teeth yet again. What, we're supposed to wait for the 2nd movie for the "answers?" Why should we believe it when that deep-voiced coming attractions guy says (and you know he will): "In a world primed for an alien invasion, two people stand as our only hope." Then they'll show scenes of Mulder and Scully, running, fighting, maybe trying to convince the media of the invasion, yelling Scully! and Mulder! into their cell phones (that's what was missing these past two years - cool Scully and Mulder phone action), the music swelling, a big explosion, then the strains of the theme music. The invasion is set for Dec, 2012, probably so Carter and everyone can get a few movies in (he didn't make it 2006, just in case this franchise takes off). And he expects me to pay $8 or $10 or whatever the price of a ticket will be in two years, and take out a personal loan for Coke and Raisinets and see the movie? Does he think I'm that gullible?

I mean, I am, of course. I'll be there, but still, it's just not right.

That's it, I've officially used up my geek quota for the rest of the year. I won't even get INTO Attack of the Clones.

Book update: the publication date is August 26. Promise. And the free gifts for the people who pre-ordered will be mailed the first week of July. For more info on the book and how to order, go to the main page and sign up for the monthly newsletter. Also note that if you haven't ordered yet, you can pay for it via PayPal, or send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to order it the old-fashioned way.

Now I think I'll pop in a good XF DVD. Maybe something from season 4, when everything was right...

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