Thursday, May 27, 2004

IS THAT A THREAT?

Just saw the TV ad for The Day After Tomorrow:

"From the director of Independence Day..."

Oh, great.

posted @ 3:46 pm

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

THE PERFECT NOVEL

I have this idea for the perfect novel.

It will be set in Las Vegas. The hero will be a medical invesigator/private eye/poker player. He'll use magic powers he learned at a special school when he was a child. He'll always have a cup of coffee in his hand. His favorite web site will be Gawker, and he'll use an iPod. He'll be a metrosexual, on a low-carb diet, and when he's done solving crimes for clients, he'll do makeovers on their homes.

Extreme makeovers.

Oh, best-seller list here I come.

posted @ 3:48 pm

Saturday, May 22, 2004

AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE FROM A CREDIT CARD COMPANY ABOUT CHEESE SANDWICHES

My roommate owes a lot of money to credit card companies. So much so that I truly believe that they have entire divisions devoted to just his accounts. How do I know this? Because each company has been calling at least 3 times a day, every single day, for the past 4 months. And mind you, that's just the calls that actually get through, since I'm online several hours a day.

So one of the companies, let's call them First North America Platinum ("We're Every Place You Don't Want Us To Be"), calls on Tuesday night and asks for my roommate. I answer the phone (even though I have caller I.D. and usually just let the machine pick up when it's these people) and I tell them that he is out of town until next Monday (which he is, no lie). They say thank you and hang up.

One hour later, they call again.

So I have the exact same conversation with another person. They thank me.

A half hour later, they call again. I pick up the phone and tell them that I've been telling the other people who have called that he's out of town until next Monday. Could you please put that on his account in the computer? They thank me and tell me that they'll note the account.

Later that night, guess who calls? I have to go through the whole thing again.

5 minutes later, I'm not kidding, they call again. I let the machine pick up.

The next morning, around 8:30, the phone rings and I see from the display that it's them again! This has gotten ridiculous, so here's what happened (and this is an actual transcript, by the way):

Me: Hello?
First North America Platinum: Yes, can I speak with [roommate's name]?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, he's turned into a cheese sandwich, can I take a message for him?
FNAP: (awkward silence)
FNAP: (awkward silence)
FNAP: (awkward silence)
Me: Hello?
FNAP: Yes.
Me: Yes.
FNPG: Do you know when the best time to reach him is?
Me: Oh, he's home, but like I said, he's a cheese sandwich right now. I'm not really sure when you'll be able to talk with him. Can I tell him who's calling?
FNAP: Um...we don't leave messages.
Me: You don't leave messages?
FNAP: No.
Me: How do you expect people to call you back?
FNAP: We just keep calling.
Me: Ah.
FNAP: We'll try back, um, another time. Thank you.
Me: Cheese sandwich!

posted @ 4:53 pm

Friday, May 21, 2004

CAN TWO DIVORCED MEN SHARE AN APARTMENT, WITHOUT DRIVING EACH OTHER CRAZY?

I've been meaning to write something about the death of Tony Randall. I've said this before, and I'm sure I'll say it again to the point where you're sick of it, but I get this feeling that we're losing all of the classic performers. I know, you're saying, no shit Bob, people get old and die. But it's more than that. The classic, classy, veteran actors and actresses and comedians and singers that people my age and older grew up with are going away. Sure, a "changing of the guard" happens with every generation, but doesn't it seem that a certain type of performer is fading away, a certain type because of the era they were born, and that the new and future celebs, the ones born in the late 60s and 70s and 80s are of a completely different world and mindset and ethic? Or maybe it really is a different world. It's not just the performers are getting old and will be replaced. That always happens. It's the era that is being replaced. We say goodbye to Tony Randall and Mr. Rogers and Gregory Peck and Katharine Hepburn, and the "veteran" stars become Ah-nuld and Madonna and Jay Leno. Ugh. Not to mention the future veterans we get to look forward to: Jessica Simpson and Ashton Kutcher.

Anyway, here's a really interesting take on Randall's career, as well as some interesting tidbits about The Odd Couple, one of my favorite shows.

posted @ 2:47 pm

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

AND NOW, A LITTLE SHAMELESS BEGGING

Looks like it's about time I started paying for this site. Up til now I've been getting the free version, but with all the pop ups and other things going on, I want to upgrade so you folks don't have to deal with all of it. So, here's where the begging comes in. See the Amazon box to the left? A buck or two would really help! (And thanks in advance).

posted @ 3:19 pm

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

BECAUSE AN ANIMATED SERIES ABOUT WAYNE NEWTON'S ANIMALS WOULD HAVE BEEN RIDICULOUS

NBC released its fall schedule yesterday, and one of the new series announced is an animated show about the animals in Siegfried and Roy's act. And they talk. Let me repeat that. It's an animated show about the animals in Siegfried and Roy's act. And they talk.

It's called Father of the Pride, though I think a better title would be Maul in the Family.

posted @ 1:51 am

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

AND EDDIE THE DOG COULD RETURN TOO, AS A PRIVATE EYE

Kelsey Grammer threatens suggests that the character of Frasier Crane, which he has played for 20 years, could return in another series. Some possible ideas:

• He travels into the future to become the new ship shrink on Enterprise.
• He becomes the sixth member of the Queer Eye gang (oh, come on, you know he'd fit in)
• How about a dead body on CSI?

Maybe Frasier Crane can be the only character that Grammer plays from now on. He can just spend the rest of his career making guest appearances on various shows as Frasier Crane, offering advice, getting mixed up in the lives of the regular characters. Nah, that would mean he couldn't do Sideshow Bob again, and we can't have that.

posted @ 2:25 pm

Monday, May 10, 2004

POP CULTURE GUY RETURNS (DID YOU MISS IT?)

While in the middle of the book, I suddenly realized that I haven't updated the Pop Culture Guy section in quite some time. The last column was at the end of December, and the article before that was months earlier. Slacker!

So. Here we go. PCG will be updated every Tuesday (same as PBJ, so I can keep it straight in my mind - besides, Tuesdays are a good day for new things, no?). This week: I got a stomach ache eating a bunch of new snack foods.

posted @ 10:56 pm

IN OTHER NEWS, THERE'S A LOW-CARB CRAZE GOING ON!

FOX News discovers blogging.

posted @ 10:51 pm

Thursday, May 6, 2004

I SENSE A PATTERN

Just a sampling of subject lines from e-mails I've received in the past week:

you're really small
you're really small hahahaha
she wants you to be bigger
think how big you could get
hi, it's me Tiffany, I want you bigger!
you're too small

posted @ 3:23 pm

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

INSERT JOKE HERE

So Paris Hilton is coming out with her own fragrance.

So...many...jokes...in...head...can't....compute...them...all.

posted @ 1:57 pm

Monday, May 3, 2004

I'M NOT ON ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY'S "IT" LIST EITHER

The "50 Most Beautiful People" issue of People mag is out. I didn't make the cut. Yet again. Damn it.

posted @ 3:17 pm

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