Monday, November 29, 2004

WORST. JOKE. EVER.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I'm in the middle of a wall-to-wall, pedal to the metal horrible head cold, but I wanted to jump in quickly to tell you the joke I heard at my sister's house on Thanksgiving:

Two men are sitting around talking about death, and they make a pact that when one of them dies, whoever it is, they will come back and visit the other one and tell them what heaven is like.

A few weeks later, one of the men dies. And sure enough, he keeps his word and comes back and visits his friend as a ghost.

"So, tell me what it's like!"

"It's great! Every single day is just sleeping, having sex, eating, sleeping, having sex, eating, sleeping, having sex, eating. It's great!"

"Wow, so that's what heaven is like?"

"Heaven? No, I'm a moose in Canada."

See? Worst. Joke. Ever.

posted @ 4:54 pm

Monday, November 22, 2004

MOLESKINE, BABY, MOLESKINE!

I'm in the latest issue of the men's mag Vitals (the one with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover). In the Top 10 section, where I tell you about one of my favorite items.

posted @ 11: 17 pm

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

REMEMBER: SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY

The bidding on this is up over $18,000. Wow.

posted @ 5:56 pm

Friday, November 12, 2004

I'M TRYING TO EAT BETTER AND EXERCISE THOUGH. REALLY.

New short piece up at McSweeney's

posted @ 1:27 pm

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

WHEN THE LOCAL CBS STATION GOES TO PAT O'BRIEN AND 'THE INSIDER', YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO CALL IT QUITS

Eh. It's almost 2:30, and I can't stay awake. Maybe we'll all wake up tomorrow and it will magically be 269 to 269 and we'll have a real election on our hands. Or maybe Bush will have won clearly. Or maybe Bush will have won but Kerry will want recounts. Babble babble, cheeseburger Liberace linoleum trains.

Sorry. Like I said, tired. More tomorrow.

posted @ 2:20 am

BREAKING NEWS

Edwards is on his way to the podium to speak...

posted @ 2:11 am

"THERE'S NO ONE IN THE PLACE, EXCEPT YOU AND ME"

Of course, the first part of the line is "it's quarter to three...", but I don't know if I can stay awake that long. I mean, seriously: it's 2:07 and I'd like to go to bed, but something keeps saying "hey, Kerry might concede!" I'm sure that's what the people in drizzly Boston are thinking right now, waiting in Copley Plaza for Kerry and Edwards to come talk to them.

But some of the pundits say that they may fight the counts in Iowa and Ohio. Oh, joy. Another week or two of fun intrigue tedium.

posted @ 2:08 am

FOX CALLS OHIO FOR BUSH, AND NBC AND CBS SEEM TO THINK THINGS LOOK BLEAK FOR KERRY

Even CNN's James Carville looks tired and says that he isn't going to spin at this time in the morning.

Russert says that Kerry has to win all of the remaining states, and even then it would only be a tie. Looks like Kerry won't ketchup. (Ha!)

It's 1:12 am and I'm tired too...

posted @ 1:12 am

IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT, AND EVERYONE IS LOOPY

Including me. But it's odd that a little while ago all the networks had pretty much the same numbers for Bush and Kerry. Now, every single network has different numbers:

CNN: Bush 246, Kerry 195
NBC: Bush 246, Kerry 207
FOX News: Bush 266, Kerry 211

CBS? Dan Rather, who just talked a little about how it's legal to bet on the election in Britain but not in the U.S., is absolutely going batshit with the electoral map. Pointing with his pencil, talking about each state. If Bush wins OH it's all over, but if Kerry wins OH he can still win if he takes a couple of the other states. Or if Bush loses OH he can still win if...blah, blah, blah. He's trying to beat Russert at the overanalysis game, but Russert wins because, well, Rather is a bit more maniacal about it. I think Dan is trying to convince viewers that this is really dowm to the wire and we should all stay tuned to CBS til 3am. Yeah, OK.

Update: Rather just said that the map looks "delightful, delovely, delicious" for Bush, and that we shouldn't watch the other channels because CBS has better information than they do.

posted @ 12:53 am

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

STEPHANOPOLOUS SAID IT, AND I AGREE

George S. says that if Bush wins FL, Kerry must win OH, or it's all over. You can tell that it isn't just math, you can sense in his voice that he believes it. And so do I.

In fact, I'll go one step further. A more blunt prediction, here at 11:42 pm: Bush is re-elected. Elvis has left the building.

posted @ 11:42 pm

ANDERSON COOPER 360, BUSH 207, KERRY 188

Cooper is in front of the giant CNN election screen, giving the results of various amendments around the country. But it just doesn't look right. He needs some CNN interns to throw buckets of water on him, maybe get a giant wind tunnel fan in the studio. Wouldn't that be great? A super combo of election night coverage and hurricane coverage!

posted @ 11:36 pm

ANDREW JACKSON AND HIS TWO TON BLOCK OF CHEESE

For those of us who prefer their Presidents a little more Martin Sheenish, Bravo is right now running the West Wing episode where the staff has to take a day to listen to presentations from odd groups that don't usually get the attention of the White House.

You might as well switch over and watch it til midnight, since nothing much will happen til then anyway.

posted @ 11:25 pm

AND THE TWINS!

Note to male voters in Colorado: voting for Pete Coors doesn't mean that the Coors Beer Twins will come over to your house and service you. Just so you know.

posted @ 11:04 pm

DAN RATHER: THE MOST FASCINATING NEWS ANCHOR

"Remember, we're dealing with CBS projections now. Nothing is official." Then why the hell even say it? Jeez Dan, if you're going to give a candidate a state, there's no need for the disclaimer. If there is, don't call the state.

Update: Um, Rather just raised his hand suddenly and said "hold on" to call Arlen Specter the winner in PA, though MSNBC is saying it's still close to call. Like I said, fascinating.

posted @ 10:53 pm

BUSH 193 - KERRY 112

All of the networks seem to agree on the numbers right now. We're in a holding pattern...

posted @ 10:32 pm

PROGRESS

In 2000, Tim Russert used a simple white board and a marker to keep track of the electoral votes. This time around he's using some sort of electronic tablet/PDA thing to figure out what combo of states Kerry has to win, and what states Bush has to hold on to.

In 2008, Russert will just have to think of the numbers and they will be projected on to our TV and computer screens. You will be assimilated.

posted @ 10:19 pm

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO FOUR STATES, REALLY

You have your MSNBC pundits, you have your Dan Rathers and your Peter Jenningeseses, your Brit Hume-orless, but with all this talk and projections and maps, this whole thing is coming down to who will take Ohio, Florida, Michigan, and/or Pennsylvania. Bush is currently ahead 170-112 (depending on the network, of course), and it looks like Kerry will win NY and CA like the Dems always do, two big states. In an odd way, because Kerry is winning the states Dems are supposed to win and Bush is winning the states the Republicans are supposed to win (at least going by 2000), then what has happened up to now is a bit of a moot point. It all depends on those four states.

And that's as in-depth a political analysis as you'll get from me tonight. I need another drink.

posted @ 9:44 pm

MIKE SCHMIDT ROCKED TOO

Someone behind Chris Matthews on MSNBC is holding up signs. One said "Shaun Schmidt Rocks" and the other said "Brian Schmidt Rocks."

Developing...

posted @ 9:23 pm

THE JEFF AND WOLF SHOW

Wolf Blitzer looks a little lost right now, looking off stage for guidance about where to go to next. He almost bumped into the giant map. Then Jeff Greenfield came in and didn't really know where to stand.

Also, CNN's map is sometimes hard to figure out. Besides red for Bush and blue for Kerry, they are using an off blue/purplish color for...well, I'm not sure because white is the color for states too close to call.

posted @ 9:05 pm

QUICK SUMMARY

Some observations on the coverage, based on watching the TV coverage for two hours on an empty stomach:

ABC, CBS, and CNN are being the most conservative in their predictions.

NBC/MSNBC are some place in the middle.

FOX has Bush with over 100 electoral votes already. Surprise!

posted @ 8:36 pm

DEMOCRACY PLAZA

That's where NBC/MSNBC is reporting from, or Rockefeller Center made up with a giant map on the ice, a news ticker along a column, a big screen. Imagine if Dr. No was a political junkie and you can imagine what the place looks like.

By the way, if you're just joining me, this is my coverage of Decision-0-4-The-Love-Of-God-Can-We-Please-Pick-A-President-Already? Coming to you live from my Democracy Couch (TM).

posted @ 8:19 pm

OUR FIRST RATHERISM!

"This presidential race is hotter than the devil's anvil."

Maybe I should just leave the TV on CBS. God knows what Rather is going to say/do next...

posted @ 8:09 pm

INSUFFICIENT DATA

That's what Rather and CBS are calling it when a state is too close to call. That could be the title of the Rather biography when someone writes it in a few years.

posted @ 8:06 pm

IS TO, IS NOT, IS TO, IS NOT, IS TO!

CNN says that Maine is too close to call and might even split their electoral votes. MSNBC gives it to Kerry.

posted @ 8:02 pm

A NOTE TO VOTERS

Here's an idea: if an exit pollster or TV reporter asks you who you voted for, refuse to answer. Or, for even more fun, lie. That will make things interesting tonight.

posted @ 7:59 pm

NEW, NEW, NEW!

Tim Russert and Andrea Mitchell agree that "Ohio is the new Florida." And they said it as if it's something we can look forward to.

Other things you may have heard:

Oasis = the new Beatles.

Brandon Routh is the new Superman.

Pierce Brosnan wants Colin Farrell to be the new Bond.

Brown is the new black.

posted @ 7:53 pm

WHICH STATION WILL GET WHICH STATE WRONG AT WHICH TIME?

MSNBC.com is already reporting that Bush has won GA, KY, and IN. Kerry gets Vermont and all the Ben and Jerry's ice cream he can eat.

Isn't this quick exit-polling (or however they're doing it this year) the way we got into trouble with FL in 2000?

posted @ 7:39 pm

I KNOW WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL THIS TIME AROUND, BUT...

Chris Matthews was a little giddy, but just for a second, with an excruiating build up to the announcement of who won Ohio. He teased it at least 3 times, and then after the 7:30 break, he announced, with a little bit of stumbling that...Ohio was too close to call!

It's going to be a long night. Time to switch over and see if Dan Rather has freaked out yet.

posted @ 7:34 pm

DO ALL BLOGGERS LOOK LIKE THIS?

Earlier today I saw the Wonkette herself, Ana Marie Cox, on MSNBC. I have three observations:

Wow!

Yowza!

Whoa.

We now return to regular politcal talk...

posted @ 6:01 pm

WELCOME TO DECISION 0-4-THE-LOVE-OF-GOD-CAN-WE-PLEASE-PICK-A-PRESIDENT-ALREADY?

No results yet, but let's get this thing going...

posted @ 5:59 pm

AND SO IT BEGINS

Breaking news, 10:45 am:

With 0% of the precincts reporting, CBS and MSNBC are calling John Kerry the winner in Florida.

Ha! Just kidding. Join me here all night tonight as I'll be blogging live during the TV coverage of the confusion... recount... election. The "fun" begins around 6-ish.

Oooo, blogging live. Sounds vaguely dirty.

posted @10:45 am