Picture the scene: it's a Tuesday evening, and you're in the process of opening the front door to a bookstore or a supermarket or a restaurant, and you see a woman walking about 30 feet behind you. Maybe you see her as you swing the door open and your head turns a bit, or maybe you catch a glimpse of her in the reflection in the glass. Remembering that you like it when people hold the door open for you, and remembering that you always try to do the right thing, the good manners right thing, you hold the door open for her. Maybe you hold it open from the inside, so the door is behind you and you're reaching back, or maybe you do the pseudo-doorman thing and actually grab the handle and open the door from the outside, letting the woman go in before you. Either way, you feel good. And you get your "you're welcome" or "no problem" ready, for when the woman says the "thank you" you know is coming.

And you wait for it. And it never comes.

This happened to me recently, at the Borders Books and Music that I frequent. No thank you, no look, no acknowledgment. So I took my shoulder bag, a bag filled with a thick notebook, a Boston Phoenix, and a paperback novel (Michael Chabon), raised it above my head, and with a swift fury rained blows on the back and neck of the woman until she was unconscious on the pavement.

Well, no. In fact, I didn't do or say anything at all. If there was someone else behind us, I could have given him one of those "let's shake our heads and bond over the fact that this woman didn't even say you're welcome to me!" looks. In my mind, silently, I gave her a sarcastic "you're welcome." But it didn't make me feel any better. Why didn't she say thank you? How was she raised? Is it a class thing? Does she come from a world of butlers and valets and chauffers? Or was it expected because I'm a man and she's a woman, and if I didn't hold the door open for her than SHE would have been in the right to give me a dirty look? No, because it happens at least twice every single week, and often with men.

And this isn't a "I only hold doors open for people so I get something in return" scenario. That's just the way I am. Was I brought up that way? I don't know. I was raised in a large family (youngest of seven kids), and, unless you count gifts received at Christmas or the ocassional "here's the kidney you need," we never really said thank you to each other. Not that there was anything hostile or uncaring about it. It was just assumed, I guess. One of those touchy-feely things that some families just don't get into.

I often feel like I'm an alien, brought down to this world to study how these humans work. Why all this talk of war? Why all the pollution? What's with those 1-800-DIAL-ATT ads with Carrot Top? Remember the Twilight Zone episode where the guy wakes up and everything is different? No one, not his family or friends or coworkers, know who he is? That's how it is with me and manners. I'm the one running through the streets yelling, "you have to say thank you!" and no one is listening. I'm the one who knows "it's a cookbook!" I'm the one who's just trying to do the right thing.

It's bizarre, really. You would think that life is hard enough, screwed up, tedious enough, in our everyday trials, that saying "thank you" to someone would be an automatic response. A no-brainer, as they say. Something that we can just keep saying and saying and saying to each other. I mean, why not? Is it that difficult? I can't imagine NOT saying something if another person holds a door open for me, or does ANYTHING for me, whatsoever. What is happening in the person's mind, in that split second that you are doing them a favor, that makes their brain think "thank you not required here - keep moving and don't say anything"? As George Constanza once said to someone who wouldn't give him the time, "we're living...in a SOCIETY!"

Here's a complete yet wildly unscientific summary of the people who say thank you and those who don't:

Senior citizens: always say thank you.
Twentysomethings and kids: almost always (yes, surprising)
Women under 40 with no children: often.
Women under 40 with children: sometimes, but if they have kids you are supposed to understand how "harried" they are and not expect one.
Men in three-piece suits: sometimes, but not if they're in a hurry.
Drunks: never.

Then there are the offshoots. You're in a supermarket, and you go up to the cashier to pay for your groceries, and the cashier gives you a smile and says "hi, how are you?" And you think things are going well, so you say "fine, and you?" And they say NOTHING. I mean, what's up with that? Is this some odd variation on the "people who don't say thank you" scenario? Did they say "hi, how are you" just because that's what they were taught on day one of supermarket training, and they didn't really expect a response and don't know how to handle a normal conversation that goes beyond the realm of workplace guidelines? It's probably the same reason why they say "have a nice day" while giving you your change, and it's 8 o'clock at night.

Or you get the quick, mumbled "thank you" that sounds more like hrrmph. As if the person can't be bothered and they are put off that you expect some sort of human interaction. Or how about when you are in the supermarket and they are blocking the aisle with their cart, and no one can get by? Or when you're in the convenience store and the person in front of you spends their entire unemployment check on instant lottery tickets and insists on scratching them right there on the counter, and they can't understand why everyone behind them is irritated. Or, back to the bookstore again: just yesterday I was walking down an aisle and a woman had about 15 education/SAT books stacked up directly in the middle of the floor, and as I walked by and said "excuse me," with a smile, she looked up, gave me the type of dirty look you give someone when they pass gas in an elevator, and sighed with all the heavy emotion of Meryl Streep, as if I was the one who was doing something wrong.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just naive. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. Maybe this world has advanced to a point where simple thank yous and you're welcomes and pleases are so obvious and so warranted that no one has to say them anymore. And if we question this system, then we're the ones who are out of step, out of sync. We're the ones who, in a weird way, are being rude and too strict with our expectations. We stand out in society. Oh, you're one of THOSE. "Look, you were SUPPOSED to hold the door open for the woman! You want someone to say thank you just because you did what was right?"

Actually, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If you don't say thank you, you're wrong. Period. If you don't say "thank you," what you're really saying is "fuck you." And that's just unacceptable, no matter what the situation.

Oh, and thank you for reading this.

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