April 5, 2005

THE THREE WORST JOBS I'VE EVER HAD,
AND HOW GODZILLA WOULD HAVE HANDLED THEM DIFFERENTLY

by Adam Finley

Hardee’s
Summer 1995

Manager: "Adam, you forgot to take the fries out again. Now let’s go up front where I can yell at you in front of everybody."

Me: "Okay, sorry."

Manager: "Godzilla, I shouldn’t have to keep telling you to refill the coffee pots, right?"

Godzilla: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!" [Refills coffee pot half way]

***

Pella Movie Theater
1997

Manager: "I’m not against homosexuals, they just need to be given their own island on the moon where they won’t bother white people."

Me: "I have to go now."

Manager: "I mean, gays have been known to attack and eat entire families. This goes far beyond personal choice."

Godzilla: "RAARGHH???" [Waits until manager’s back is turned, then throws a piece of lint into the popcorn popper]

***

Ottumwa Courier Newspaper
1999

Editor: "Adam, we’ve decided to let you go. You seem to have trouble adjusting to my complete and utter incompetence as an editor."

Me: "I blame no one but myself."

Editor: "Godzilla, it’s not working out, so it’s best we had a parting of ways."

Godzilla: "RAARGH." [Leaves building, but doesn’t clock out].

Adam Finley believes that, despite his ferocious exterior, Godzilla is actually an introspective passive aggressor.