August 2, 2005
THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS
Writers List The Things In Life That Are Most Important To Them
by Steve Almond, Joel Stein, Tod Goldberg, Duane Swierczynski, Jade Walker, Marty Beckerman, Ned Vizzini, Daniel Radosh, Michael Schaub, Adam Finley, Brian Lewandowski, and Bob Sassone
*** Tod Goldberg
Let's forget for a moment all the things the everyday world knows I cannot live without -- my wife, my dog, the stats from my blog, my Amazon ranking and my radio, radio, radio, which I kick to way past 10 -- and concentrate instead on the bleak corners of my blackened heart. The things that I have inexplicably become obsessive about in a way that rivals a primitive religion; the things that are, essentially, the cave drawings of my life.
1. My BillyBall. In 1980, the Oakland A's hired Billy Martin as their manager and to honor this achievement they created the BillyBall: a baseball that had BillyBall inscribed across it in flashy green script. They handed out these balls to the first 10,000 kids who attended a particular game and I happened to be one of those 10,000. Since 1980, I have kept my BillyBall in its original plastic wrapping, never once taking it out to play with it, touch it, smell it, film Japanese Bukkake films with it, nothing. Why? Because I always wanted to get Rickey Henderson to sign it. But Rickey Henderson, for some reason, probably because I'm an adult male stalking him at baseball games, as always refused to sign my ball and thus, the wrapping has stayed on all these years. I was 9 when I got that ball and I'm 34 now and I imagine losing that ball would be almost as upsetting as when Kirk Gibson took Eck's back door slider deep into the Chavez Ravine night.
2. My Jane's Addiction "Nothing Shocking" tour shirt. I've had this tour shirt since 1988. Maybe 89. Whatever. I've had it a very long time. I tried it on the other day and it worked perfectly as a guard against my flabby man tits being exposed to the earth, but otherwise the half-top look ain't working for me.
3. Starbucks. When I become as rich as Tommy Lee (and this new short story collection should get me there) I fully intend to build a Starbucks inside my house, too. Gripe all you want about shade grown this, or environmentally unsound that, I'd kill my sister Linda if she stood between me and a venti mint mocha chip frap.
4. Obsessively checking the orders and sales of my book through Ingram's stock status line.
5. Obsessively checking the orders and sales of books by people I like personally, but whose books I find to be not as good as mine (this includes family members).
6. Pop Tarts. I wrote about this particular obsession once before on PBJ but I can't reiterate this strongly enough: Pop Tarts are the perfect food. Need breakfast? You're in. Need a mid-day snack? Perfect. Need a little dessert? Boo-Ya. Late post-coital need for sugar? You're one frosted breakfast pastry from heaven, ladies.
7. Fantasy sports. I'll call a spade a spade here and admit that I'm a frumpy Jewish guy with the athletic ability of a Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Fantasy sports allows me to live through the lives of grown men I'll never know, complaining about their lack of playing time, their inability to hit the slider, catch the ball over the middle or hit the open 3 without actually moving my ass from the computer.
8. Tivo. Either you know or you don't know.
9. Email. How did people communicate before email? I vaguely remember speaking to people on the phone, but that seems way too interactive now. Though I'm never quite sure when an email conversation is over -- when do you say "goodbye" and the other person says, "Yeah, ok, bye," because then that other "bye" is just sitting out there and you have to retort with "Well, have a nice day," or "Have a good one," and the other person may well write back and say, "Hey, you have a good one, too...don't party too hard this weekend!" And then you have to say, "No, I won’t party too hard because I've recently suffered a terrible industrial accident involving a threshing machine," and then it just goes on and on and on.
10. Peanut Butter. It's Tivo for the stomach.
Tod Goldberg's latest book, Simplify, a collection of short stories, will be released in September. He is also the author of the novels Living Dead Girl and Fake Liar Cheat. ***
Daniel Radosh
My wife, my kids, and Huckapoo. Not necessarily in that order.
Daniel Radosh is a contributing editor at The Week and at Radar.